Wednesday, March 20, 2019
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3 Stages of failure
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Sunday, October 22, 2017
5 Ways to Speak More Powerfully
“It’s been impossible for me to get a job,” the woman tells me, having just been introduced by a mutual acquaintance at breakfast. “There’s just nothing out there. Absolutely nothing.”
Although I have no way to validate her situation, my strong sense is that it is not impossible and that there is something out there. She just hasn’t found it. As I encourage her to stay proactive, I can’t help but think how easily her words could create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Related: How Your Words Impact Your Success
The words you speak hold power. Power to create new possibilities or to close them down. Power to build relationships or to damage them. Power to lift people up or to pull them down.
Too often we don’t realize just how impactful our words are—both on ourselves and others. If we did, we’d do far less complaining and far more encouraging. You would also hear a lot less of “It’s impossible to…,” “I’m totally hopeless at…” or “I had no choice…”—all phrases which undermine our power and limit our future.
Psychologists have found that our subconscious mind interprets what it hears very literally. The words that come out of our mouth create the reality we inhabit. Unfortunately, it’s often a negative reality because we unconsciously sabotage our success simply by using language that undermines our opinions, amplifies our problems and chips away at our confidence to handle them.
Whatever direction your words lead, your mind, body, and environment will inevitably follow.
If you use positive language about yourself and your ability to learn new skills, achieve your goals and handle pressure, then that’s what tends to show up externally. Conversely, if you’re continually saying things that affirm incompetence, echo hopelessness, nurture anxiety or fuel pessimism, then that will also shape your reality. Over time your world will morph to mirror your words.
Therefore, it’s extremely important to be thoughtful about the words you use and deliberate about speaking in ways that empower and expand rather than devalue and deflate.
The truth is that most people grossly underestimate the power they possess to effect positive change. This is echoed in the words they use to describe themselves and their circumstances. By painting themselves as helpless victims of forces beyond their control, devoid of the power and influence to improve their lot, they render themselves just that. It’s a vicious cycle as they gather more and more evidence to confirm their powerlessness.
Tapping into your personal power starts with building self-awareness of where you are, using what psychologists call “out of power” language. To that end, below are five ways you can change how you speak in order to build your confidence, grow your influence and improve your ability to get more of what you want and change what you don’t.
1. Speak possibilities into life.
Orville and Wilbur Wright didn’t get an aircraft off the ground by focusing on what they couldn’t do, but by continually extending the boundaries of what they could. It’s the same for you. Focus on the things you want and you’ll spot opportunities you might have otherwise missed. Focus on the negative aspects of your situation, what you can’t or don’t want to do, and it will only amplify pessimism, triggering more negative emotions and channeling time and energy that might otherwise have been used more constructively.
For example:
- If you want more time, talk about the important things you will schedule into your day, week and year (not about how crazy busy you are).
- If you want more success, talk about your aspirations and what you can do to make them a reality (not about how big your problems are).
- If you want more power and influence, talk about what you’ll do with the influence you already have (not about how no one takes you seriously).
2. Don’t “try” to do something.
If President Kennedy had said, “Let’s try to get a man on the moon,” we’d probably still be trying. There is real power in making a committed declaration about what you want to change, achieve or become. Saying “I’ll try” resonates with hesitation and ambivalence. Saying “I will” declares to yourself and anyone listening that you’re serious about changing the game and what you most want is already a done deal. It’s just waiting to be completed.
Committing with a confident can-do spirit shifts the energy you bring to a challenge and rallies people around you in ways that trying, wishing and “hoping for the best” never will. Try it!
3. Never say never.
Up until Roger Bannister ran a mile in under 4 minutes in 1954, it was collectively believed to be a physical impossibility. So few people bothered to try. But within six weeks of Bannister doing the “impossible,” John Landy broke the record by nearly a second.
Most of us have no idea about what is actually possible. Likewise, when we use absolute terms as descriptors, we fall into what’s known as a “linguistic trap”—confining ourselves to the walls our words create. Hence, words like always, never and impossible can be very self-limiting and should be used cautiously.
4. Never apologize for having an opinion.
Russian philosopher Mikhail Bakhtin coined the term “double voice discourse” to explain the phenomena where people prefaced their statements to minimize the chance of a negative reaction. For instance, “I know I might have this all wrong, but…” or “I apologize if anyone disagrees, but I was thinking, maybe,… ”
It’s little surprise (to this woman at least) that women, who excel at forming relationships but are loathe to disrupt them, are four times more likely to do this than men. But regardless of your gender, devaluing your opinion serves no one and deprives everyone of the value your perspective brings.
5. Beware of labels. They limit.
When used on pantry containers, labels can be very helpful. But they can also hem you in because you subconsciously comply with them. For example, just because you are sometimes lazy doesn’t mean you can’t choose not to be lazy. Just because you failed at something, doesn’t mean you’re a failure. And just because you’ve had a lousy fashion sense doesn’t mean you can’t improve it.
Although changing habitual ways of speaking isn’t done overnight, neuroscientists have found that with repeated practice, you can rewire your brain. That is, your innate neural plasticity enables you to replace negative patterns of thought and behavior with positive ones. How you speak included. Of course, when you slip back into default habits, as you inevitably will, don’t beat yourself up or label yourself as a lost cause. Rather, accept your fallibility and refocus on the positive changes you want to make.
You can kick-start your efforts by asking your favorite three people to call you out each time they hear you use “out of power” language. It could be the most powerful thing you do all year!
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
11 Habits of Genuinely Likable People
There's a formula to making a great first impression: Smile, make eye contact, be engaging. But first impressions can also quickly lose their impact, especially when there's no substance beneath the surface glow.
Being genuinely likable over the long haul is tougher. Building and maintaining great relationships, consistently influencing others in a good way and making people feel better about themselves, those are things relatively few people can do.
But you can, because being the most likable person in the room has nothing to do with your level of success, or your presentation skills, or how you dress, or the image you project. Being genuinely likable is all about what you do.
How can you be more likable, in a sincere and authentic way?
1. Give before you receive, knowing you may never receive.
Never think about what you can get. Focus on what you can provide. Giving is the only way to establish a real connection and relationship.
Focus on what you can get out of the other person, and you show that the only person who really matters is you.
2. Shift the spotlight to other people.
No one receives enough praise. That means one of the easiest ways to be likable is to tell people what they did well.
Wait, you say you don't know what they did well? Shame on you -- it's your job to know.
Not only will people appreciate your praise, they'll appreciate the fact you care enough to pay attention to what they do. And then they'll feel a little more accomplished and a lot more important, and they'll love you for making them feel that way.
3. Listen three times more than you talk.
Ask questions. Maintain eye contact. Smile. Frown. Nod. Respond -- not just verbally, but nonverbally. That's all it takes to show the other person he or she is important.
When you do speak, don't offer advice unless you're asked. Listening shows you care a lot more than offering advice does, because when you offer advice, in most cases, you make the conversation about you.
Don't believe me? Who is "Here's what I would do" about: you or the other person?
Only speak when you have something important to say -- and always define important as what matters to the other person, not to you.
4. Never practice selective hearing.
Some people -- and I guarantee you know people like this -- are incapable of hearing anything said by someone they feel is somehow beneath them.
Sure, you speak to them, but that particular falling tree doesn't make a sound in the forest, because there's no one actually listening.
Charismatic people listen closely to everyone, and they make all of us, regardless of our position or social status or "level," feel like we have something in common with them.
Because we do. We're all human.
5. Be thoughtful simply because you can.
I pulled into a service bay to get my oil changed. As I got out of the car, one of the techs said, "Man, those are nice wheels. Too bad they're so dirty." He smiled, just teasing.
"I know," I said. "My next stop is the car wash." Then I went inside to wait.
When I walked to my car to leave, the tech was just standing up, filthy rags in his hand. "It took some work, but I got 'em all clean," he said. Every rim sparkled. Every speck of brake dust was gone.
"Wow, that's awesome, but you didn't have to do that," I said.
"We're not very busy," he shrugged. "I had time. Figured I would make 'em look better." Just then a car pulled into another bay so he hustled away, saying over his shoulder, "Have a good day."
That was years ago, but I still haven't forgotten it.
Instead of turning idle time into "me time," likable people use their free time to do something nice -- not because they're expected to, but just because they can.
6. Put your stuff away.
Don't check your phone. Don't glance at your monitor. Don't focus on anything else, even for a moment.
You can never connect with others if you're busy connecting with your stuff, too.
Give the gift of your full attention. That's a gift few people give. It alone will make others want to be around you.
7. Never act self-important ...
The only people who are impressed by your stuffy, pretentious, self-important self are other stuffy, pretentious, self-important people.
The rest aren't impressed. They're irritated, put off, and uncomfortable.
And they hate when you walk into the room.
8. ... Because other people are always more important.
You already know what you know. You know your opinions. You know your perspectives and points of view.
That stuff isn't important, because it's already yours. You can't learn anything from yourself.
But you don't know what other people know, and everyone, no matter who he or she is, knows things you don't know.
That makes other people a lot more important to you than you -- because you can learn from them.
9. Choose your words wisely.
The words you use impact the attitude of others.
For example, you don't have to go to a meeting; you get to go meet with other people. You don't have to create a presentation for a new client; you get to share cool stuff with other people. You don't have to go to the gym; you get to work out and improve your health and fitness.
You don't have to interview job candidates; you get to select a great person to join your team.
We all want to associate with happy, enthusiastic, fulfilled people. The words you choose can help other people feel better about themselves -- and make you feel better about yourself.
10. Never talk about the failings of other people...
Granted, we all like hearing a little gossip. We all like hearing a little dirt.
The problem is, we don't necessarily like -- and we definitely don't respect -- the people who dish that dirt.
Don't laugh at other people. When you do, the people around you wonder if you sometimes laugh at them.
11. ... But readily admit your own failings.
Incredibly successful people are often assumed to have charisma simply because they're successful. Their success seems to create a halo effect, almost like a glow.
The key word is seem.
You don't have to be incredibly successful to be remarkably charismatic. Scratch the shiny surface, and many successful people have all the charisma of a rock.
But you do have to be incredibly genuine to be remarkably charismatic.
Be humble. Share your screwups. Admit your mistakes. Be the cautionary tale. And laugh at yourself.
While you should never laugh at other people, you should always laugh at yourself.
People won't laugh at you. People will laugh with you.
They'll like you better for it -- and they'll want to be around you a lot more.
Monday, March 6, 2017
Why Our Brains Like Short-Term Goals
Achieving your goals isn’t just about hard work and discipline. It’s about physiology. By understanding how the brain processes success and failure, you can jump-start your productivity to create a winning streak and put an end to failed New Year's resolutions.
The more times you succeed at something, the longer your brain stores the information that allowed you to do so well in the first place. That’s because with each success, our brain releases a chemical called dopamine. When dopamine flows into the brain's reward pathway (the part responsible for pleasure, learning and motivation), we not only feel greater concentration but are inspired to re-experience the activity that caused the chemical release in the first place.
This is why the cultivation of small wins can propel you to bigger success, and you should focus on setting just a few small achievable goals. While your ambitions can remain grand, setting the bar too high with goals can actually be counterproductive. Each time we fail, the brain is drained of dopamine making it not only hard to concentrate but also difficult to learn from what went wrong.
Why We Learn More From Success Than Failure
Why We Learn More From Success Than Failure
Ever find yourself destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again? According to a study completed by researchers at MIT’s Picower Institute for Learning and Memory, that is exactly how our brains are wired to work. Their findings determined that our brain cells only learn from experience when we do things right and failure doesn’t register the same way.
In the experiment, monkeys viewed two images on a computer screen, one that presented a reward if the subject reacted by looking right, another when it looked left. The study showed that the brain response when a monkey received an award for looking the right way improved its chances of performing well on the next trial.
The study makes important discoveries not only about the way we learn but the brain’s neural plasticity or ability to change in response to experiences. When behavior is successful our cells become finely tuned to what the animal was learning at the time while a failure shows little change in the brain or improvement in the monkey’s behavior.
Set Goals Your Brain Likes
Collecting wins, no matter how small, can chemically wire you to move mountains by causing a repeated release of dopamine. But to get going you have to land those first few successes. The key to creating your own cycle of productivity is to set a grand vision and work your way there with a few, achievable goals that increase your likelihood of experiencing a positive outcome.
“Your vision is your destination, and small, manageable goals are the motor that will get you there,” says Dr. Frank Murtha, a New York-based counseling psychologist with a focus on investor psychology, behavioral finance and financial risk taking. “Without the vision you’re on a road to nowhere. Without the goals, you have a destination but no motor. They work in tandem, and you need both.”
Create a Road Map for Your Subconscious Mind
Kick off goal setting by preparing a short vision statement of where you want to go. “Vision creates a picture for the subconscious mind. Our subconscious is what makes us such good problem solvers compared to a computer,” says Dr. Richard Peterson, a psychiatrist and neuroeconomics researcher who has written two books on financial risk taking. “We can see 1,000 dimensions of a problem and sort it down to the most important very quickly.”
The subconscious is not only responsible for 90 percent of the decisions we make in day-to-day life, but is also the part of the brain that is largely in charge when we are performing creative tasks or charting unknown territory. The very act of giving your emotional brain a detailed portrait of your end goal also ensures that, even inadvertently, you will take the steps needed to steer yourself toward it.
Articulate your vision with words and a picture or two; the more detailed the better. Post this where you can see it regularly.
Work Your Way There With Short-Term Goals
To rack up those first few wins, you’ve got to set only a few short-term goals at a time. Each should ideally take no more than three months to achieve. The goals should be realistic and specific, and incorporate your strengths. Writing them down, ideally in a place where you will see them every day, will help you stay focused.
If success releases the production of dopamine, failure can do the opposite. Setting over-reaching goals, or too many goals at once, can be counterproductive for those seeking to harness the power of the brain’s reward center. If you set four goals and achieve only two of them, it’s human nature to focus on what went wrong; even the successes you were able to accomplish fail to drum out what you weren’t able to achieve.
Remember, success begets success.
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